An Ode to .. Paul Goldsmith

Maths Class
Mr Luxon walks into class.
It is his first day as Maths Teacher
At Underachiever High.
“Percentages first,” says Mr Luxon.
“If we have twenty per cent of a diplomatic letter
In Te Reo Māori, and subtract thirty per cent,
How much do we have?”
Giggly Goldsmith sticks his hand up.
“Just enough for a dumb Australian, Sir,”
Chortles the class clown.
“Correct!” replies the beaming Mr Luxon.
“Now, if we spend a billion dollars on new ferries
And new ferries are 500 million dollars each,
How many new ferries do we get?”
Swotty Willis sticks her hand up.
“No ferries, Sir,” she gushes eagerly.
“Correct!” replies the beaming Mr Luxon.
“Next question! How many nurses make five?”
Lester sticks his gum under his desk and puts his hand up.
“Subtract 14 layers of back office management,
“Divide by the square root of Queensland pay rates,
“And multiply by the landlord tax rebate,” calculates Lester,
“To get an answer of negative three thousand.”
“Amazing,” replies the beaming Mr Luxon.
“Even I couldn’t figure that one out.”
“Last question,” says Mr Luxon.
“If three students attend half a day a week last term,
And two students attend no days a week this term,
What is the trend for attendance rates?”
There is no answer.
Mr Luxon looks around from his chalkboard,
But all the students have gone.